I broke up with my long-term boyfriend a few months ago. I still think about him constantly and have no real interest in meeting anyone new. Any tips that might push me to re-emerge into the dating scene?

Lisa Bograd, MA, MFT (Marriage & Family Therapist) answered (10/17/2010)

It sounds like you're going through a grieving process in response to the loss of a person who meant a great deal to you and with whom you spent a significant amount of time. It's hard to get over such a loss. If you think it'd be a good idea to get back out into the dating scene but are unable to do so, we first have to figure out what's preventing you from taking that step.

If you're still simply grieving the loss of the relationship, I would say give yourself a little more time. I think it can be counterproductive to force yourself if your heart's not yet in it because that's likely to interfere with your dating process. Let's face it, no one wants to go out on a date with someone who talks non-stop about their ex, or with someone whose heart and mind are otherwise engaged.

On the other hand, sometimes thinking obsessively about an ex can be a way to protect you from making yourself vulnerable again. It's easier to dwell on the past and to romanticize what we had than it is to take a risk and open ourselves up to someone new and all the messiness and imperfection-and, hopefully, all the joy and excitement-that comes with that process. If this is the case, my advice is to be gentle and compassionate with yourself and your heart. You've been through a loss and have experienced pain, so you're understandably fearful of experiencing the vulnerability inherent in a romantic relationship. I encourage you, however, to test the waters again at some point in the near future, and to do so such a way that honors your still tender heart.

You might want to start with whatever feels the least risky and emotionally demanding. Perhaps you simply go to a party the next time you're invited. Maybe bring a friend along for moral support and give yourself permission to leave early if it just feels like too much. Remember, this isn't a race and there's no need to get married tomorrow. Try to have fun; let your attitude be that you just want to get to know people and expand your circle of friends and acquaintances. And if you find you click with someone, just remind yourself that you're going to take it slow and remember that you can be the one who determines the pace at which things unfold.

I think that once you can trust that you have some control over the process itself, you may not feel as scared and vulnerable, and this may allow more room for you to feel willing to move forward.

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Dr. Ramani Durvasula (Licensed Clinical Psychologist) answered (8/27/2012)

Don't put yourself or allow others to put you on a schedule of "letting go." Many times we think there is a time frame for these things - and that can often make the process of letting go and mourning the loss of a relationship even harder. People often report to me that their friends and family are supportive for a short period of time and then give them the old "get over it" routine. Give yourself permission to take the time you need, take care of you - do the things you like - and listen to yourself. Lots of of the time, people feel compelled to throw themselves into something new as an antidote to the loss. I'm a bigger fan of honoring yourself, taking care of you, surrounding yourself with good people, considering therapy with a licensed mental health professional if you feel like you need an objective space to take these issues. Instead of the artificiality of the "dating scene" - just live. And when someone sees the face and body language of a confident woman, happy where she is at - people will approach you. Best of luck - Dr. Ramani Durvasula

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Michelle Brock (Certified Life Coach & Hypnotist) answered (8/14/2012)

I think it is important to honor your feelings here. You said that you have "no real interest in meeting anyone new", and it is obvious that you are still grieving the loss of your relationship. And yet, you seem to want to re-enter the dating scene. You even use the word "push" here! Why do you want to date now? Finding someone else right now will not mend your heart, it will only distract you from dealing with your feelings and working through your breakup. This is hard to do, as all of us have a tendency to escape or avoid pain wherever possible. It sounds like you want to date again so you can stop the way you are feeling right now and stop constantly thinking about your ex. I advise to wait, spend some time alone, and really work through your feelings. Be brave and face the pain to find the source of it inside of you. Use this valuable time to reflect on this relationship, as well as all of your past relationships. Be honest with yourself- Why did it end? What went wrong? What expectations did you bring into it? Where was the dysfunction? And, most important- What was it about you that allowed you to attract this relationship to you? These are not easy questions to answer, but this is how the connection unravels that you have with this person. This is the work that will eventually allow you not only to let it go, but to move on as a wiser, stronger woman for it. If you do this, your next relationship will not be a "band aid", or even worse, reflect all of the fear, loneliness, sorrow, and insecurity that we inevitably feel after a break up. When you take the time between relationships to work on yourself, even if it is only for a few months, the next man in your life will mirror the changes you have made and your next relationship will be of a much higher quality. Give yourself a break!